The words of the song: Nessi Gomes - As You Will (Hine Ani)

Translation to English:

Here I am, completely yours
Do as you will with me
I've come empty, I surrender
My heart is at your mercy
Even if everything is taken away from me
Within me, I will hear your voice
From the pain, it will resurrect me
And fill me with inspiration

film notes

In 2017 I left my country and my marriage to join with a man across the Pacific Ocean. An Australian Woman. An American Man.
I divorced my husband of 36 years, my best friend, to begin a new life.
I took with me two suitcases; a medium bag and a carry on.
I went to Hawai’i, land of A’loha.
And I married, this Other ~
What followed was a deep journey of severe relational abuse.
The journey lasted three years. Smokes, mirrors.

This Film marks and celebrates my recovery, two years on;
the reconstitution, restoration, recalibration,
and the rise from the ashes.
Elements of this film are symbolic;
for example the headphones: someone else's Voice in my ears.
The smearing of mud and sand - a return to Country,
to a place where I am welcomed, held, seen. And safe.

Sanctified.

The man who helped me make this film is my original and true Husband.
He embodies and honours the deep Name and Title of such.
The Divine Masculine.


I am grateful to the luminous and darkly-nuanced man who walked with me those three years. Who challenged me to see, face, own and excavate my own shadows, within an ecosystem of relentless, brutal, multilayered systemic desecration. Who showed me, what it is, when we abandon ourselves, to the absolute and terrifying control of another.

NOTE:
This Film is released on the Venus-Mars conjunction, July 2021

Additional Notes on some of the Choices in this Film

I grew up hearing the sounds of the Hebrew language, and Middle Eastern music. My body resonated deeply with the sounds of the music; “Home”. My mother worked for a family of Iraqi and Israeli peoples whom we visited often. Dance. Food. Laughter. “Uncle. Aunty”. Family.

As an adult, I studied, trained in and performed traditional Egyptian dance for near two decades. I studied in Australia, the UK and Egypt. As the artistic director, choreographer, lead dancer, Tapan (Egyptian base drum) and Zaghat (finger cymbals) player within a Middle Eastern Music and Dance Ensemble of ten, I performed often in Sydney, the Blue Mountains, Sydney, Canberra. Later I created my own small dance company in Queensland and performed regularly at the Brisbane Powerhouse, solo, or with my students and colleagues. I’ve also performed in Europe and NYC, with projected images and vocal soundscape.

Within my relationship, my work in dance was shamed. I was told, “you have led a small, sheltered life, Narelle. No one knows your name, anymore. Your work is deadwood.” My country was mocked daily. It took me a while to give this its true name: racism. My resources were plundered, my body excavated.

The hair. Hmmm. The man I was in relationship with had wanted me to cut all of my hair off. And dye what was left, blonde. The style of the partner before me.

The fire top I wear in the film is part of an old dance costume made from an antique silk brocade Indian Sari that I commissioned from a designer as part of a performance series on Journeys.

My purpose and intent in making this film for myself, is personal arts therapy.
I share my experience because whilst I know that my particular Story is unique, others who have also experienced relational harm and trauma, may sense solace, support and healing through my images and dance practice.

I thank and acknowledge my ancestors, my lineages, my Teachers.
I pay my respects to the Traditional Custodians of the lands on which I walk and make images and dance; the Elders past, Present, and emerging ~